WASN’T it heartening to learn last week, in the middle of all this political turmoil, that Nadine Dorries MP still had time to visit the toilet for a number two?
With an ITV film crew in tow… Who captured every last consonant of the resulting explosion she made in the House of Commons cubicle.
www.tony-ward.co.uk Nadine, Hayley Tamaddon off Coronation Street, Peter Andre, Made In Chelsea’s Hugo Taylor, Shaun Wallace and Tessa Sanderson appear on the show
“THHRRRRRPP.” Then followed it up by zooming in on Nadine’s stool sample, sat as casually as a flapjack next to her cup of tea.
All of it captured for the greater glory of The Junk Food Experiment, a Super Size Me rip-off dripping with concern for Britain’s obesity crisis, which attempted to discover what happens to your body if it’s fed nothing but pizzas, burgers, fried chicken and chips. I know, I know. It really could go either way, that one, couldn’t it? You might end up looking as toned as Joe Wicks — or more like Piers Morgan with an industrial air compressor up his rear.
Fortunately, ITV and its diet expert Michael Mosley had gathered “six famous guinea pigs” to gorge themselves stupid and settle this debate for good: Nadine, Hayley Tamaddon off Coronation Street, Peter Andre, Made In Chelsea’s Hugo Taylor, “Chaser” Shaun Wallace and Tessa Sanderson, who all brought their own degree of hype and range of medical quirks to the experiment.
Hayley, for instance, has irritable bowel syndrome, while Hugo suffers from a debilitating strain of irritable personality syndrome and is prone to quoting the Dalai Lama or grandly announcing: “I’m trying to do this for other people. It’s kind of, like, a selfless act.” Or it was, until Hugo decided he couldn’t be arsed and pulled out of the experiment at the end of Week One.
www.tony-ward.co.uk Hayley Tamaddon off Coronation Street didn’t look too pleased about eating pizza all day long
Celebrities who cash in by plugging dodgy fad diets on social media were yesterday blasted by Theresa May
The other five kept eating, eating, eating, though, until their bodies began to groan, fart and generally give up on their owners. Hayley and Tessa both had to be withdrawn from the process on health grounds, Shaun Wallace developed sleep apnoea and Nadine began passing “rubber pellets”.
One other thing also became apparent during the opening few days of The Junk Food Experiment. Their innards could’ve been begging for mercy and Nadine might well have been on the verge of crapping a 10cc song, but they all looked exactly the same.
You might end up looking as toned as Joe Wicks — or more like Piers Morgan with an industrial air compressor up his rearAlly RossSun Columnist
It was no sort of spectacle at all, so they tried perking it up with all sorts of production stunts. Peter Andre went for a brain scan that revealed it’s 80 per cent McFlurry, Michael Mosley entered a competitive eating challenge and Shaun Wallace was sent to his local pub quiz, where he misidentified “the unwanted, loud screeching sounds you sometimes hear from a microphone or speaker” as “white noise” rather than the correct answer, Little Mix.
On Day 19, Nadine also went for another dump — and I don’t know what she was thinking while she sat there, but my mind was wandering to the fact it’s now 20 years since ITV axed World In Action, a show that was sold around the world and conducted the investigation leading to the release of the Birmingham Six.
The Chase’s Shaun Wallace tucking into a burger
Model, Georgia Gibbs, plagued by severe acne ‘cures’ it with special diet and herbal tonics
Here we are now, two decades later, watching six self-publicists come to the the “no-s***, Sherlock” conclusion of the century — eating nothing but pizzas and fast food is bad for you.
With the most damning fact of all being that ITV, at the very least, is sending mixed messages about the obesity crisis on its network Hub, where I watched The Junk Food Experiment and every other show received the same promo message.
“Sponsored by Domino’s — the official food of unmissable entertainment.”
Thanks for your concern, though, ITV. It’s overwhelming.
Quiz show dough-balls of the week
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “In the northern hemisphere, the spring equinox always falls in what month?”
Ben Shephard: “The Ace Of Spades was a UK Top Ten hit in 1980 for which hard-rock band?”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “What McVitie’s chocolate biscuit is named after a flightless bird?”
Ben Shephard: “In the 1975 film The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which British actor starred as Doctor Frank N Furter?”
Tracey: “Sir Anthony Hopkins.”
Dating a Kerry on comedy
YOU think Theresa May’s got a job on her hands? Spare a thought for the staff on E4’s Celebs Go Dating, where they’ve signed up Kerry Katona for the new series. ’Cos that really is the TV equivalent of trying to shove a boulder up Kilimanjaro.
(Channel 4 images must not be altered or manipulated in any way) Channel 4 Picture Public Signing Kerry Katona up for a dating show is the TV equivalent of trying to shove a boulder up Kilimanjaro
Hiring a woman who introduces herself to every potential suitor by announcing: “I’ve got five kids and three ex-husbands, but don’t let that put you off” and describes herself as a “blue-tick shag”, which I thought had wiped out nearly every sheep in West Glamorgan back in 1973.
In fairness to Kerry, it does also hint at a level of fame that’s way above the rest of the agency’s clients, who include the thoroughly obnoxious Chelsee Healey, from Hollyoaks, Made In Chelsea manchild Sam Thompson, Pete Wicks off Towie and someone called David Potts, who could be Mark “The Beast” Labbett’s Chase stunt double, judging by the size of him.
None of them, of course, will find anything approaching love on a show where they now boast an impressive 100 per cent failure rate across six series. What continues to stop it being the most pointless exercise in TV history, though, is the narrator Rob Beckett, who’s fantastically dismissive about everyone and everything involved with Celebs Go Dating.
So when David finally reveals “I’m a club rep”, he mutters: “I was thinking either that or a jockey,” and when Kerry reminds yet another person, “I used to be in a girlband,” Rob adds: “Before realising her dream of flogging frozen prawn rings.”
WENN Chelsee Healey proved to be thoroughly obnoxious
In the brutal and relentless process, he’s somehow turned this epic non-event into one of television’s funniest shows, and I just wish the industry could come up with a better reward for him than All Together Now.
(Celebs Go Dating, tonight E4, 9pm.)
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
The Real Marigold On Tour, Paul Nicholas: “There is humour in everything.” See Martin Clunes’ sitcom Warren for proof there really isn’t.
Show is a mad house
BEST news of the TV week is that Channel 5’s admirably un-PC The Bachelor has returned to our screens after a seven-year hiatus.
The Bachelor has returned to the UK after seven years
Prize this time is a civilian called Alex, who was “bullied at school” (standard), found salvation in the gym and now spends his days running along beaches, like a right dobber. The real stars, however, are the 17 women literally fighting for his affection, who demonstrated every shade of mad at last night’s memorable meet- and-greet.
Lilly arrived dressed as a boxer to show “I’m a knockout”, Scottish Tara curled every toe north of Carlisle by rapping her introduction and hyperventilating circus performer Georgie announced: “You name it, I do it. Snake-charming, fire-breathing, body-burning, stilt-walking, unicycling,” text -monitoring, underwear-sniffing, bunny-boiling. The lot.
Before they even got to that stage, though, they had a chance to eliminate two of the 17.
And if there’s anyone, at this point, who’s prepared to stand up and say “I don’t think the women would vote off the most beautiful contestant (Natasha)”, you’re either a liar, or the dumbest person in the entire world.
TV interview of the week.
This Morning, Holly Willoughby: “One of the biggest questions you get constantly asked — ‘Is my vagina normal?’”Doctor Anita Mitra: “That’s the question on most people’s lips.”
THIS week’s winner is Beatrice from Das Boot and Stuart Pearce.
This week’s lookalike winner featuring Stuart Peace and Beatrice from Das Boot was sent in by Brendan Byrne
Picture research Alfie Snelling
Geri gets vocalAN All Together Now confession prompts the most obvious query of the week.Geri Spice Girl: “You can train vocals and technique.”
So why haven’t you?
The genuinely welcome return of Good Morning Britain’s Susanna Reid and Piers Morgan, who’s been on an extended gastronomic tour of all 17 peaks in the Toblerone region. Simon Farnaby’s turn as Sam Chatwin, the Dan Snow clone and “son of the head of factual programming” on an otherwise disappointing This Time With Alan Partridge.
Rex Features Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid were welcomed back to GMB this week
Rob Beckett’s Celebs Go Dating commentary.
The brilliant and funny BBC Scotland documentary Real Kashmir FC, which followed former Rangers defender David Robertson as he left the sanctuary of his native Aberdeen for a virtual warzone, surrounded by religious fanatics . . . again.
And Goggleboxer Giles coming up with the best-ever description of Theresa May: “She’s a slow puncture of a woman.”
NEW quotes game. All you’ve got to do is guess whether it was said on MasterChef or Naked Attraction? A) “The balls are a nice idea, but they’re too dry.”B) “If we had a fruit or a vegetable would it be a decent courgette or a leek?”C) “You are the messiest competitor, those jugs need a wipe now.”
Quiz answersA) MasterChef, B) Naked Attraction, C) MasterChef.
‘TIRED, SNOBBY AND BORING’ Why I HATE International Women’s Day… and others don’t care too CommentPETA TODD’S MUM SQUAD Peta Todd on parents’ God-given right to embarrass their children CommentDEBORAH JAMES That feeling in my gut was right…my cancer is back – and it’s inoperable CommentDEBORAH JAMES Ten years of marriage and we’re stronger than ever – thanks to CANCER CommentUNFAIRER SEX Women, cut the ‘manspread’ hate… YOU are guilty of so many annoying things CommentDEBORAH JAMES Do you know your vagina from your vulva? If not your life could be at risk
Great sporting insights
GREAT Sporting Insights. Martin Keown: “Whenever this side gets questioned, questions get asked.”
Lee Dixon: “What’s fascinating about me is that everyone looks nervous.”
And Charlie Nicholas: “Solanke is through one-on-one against Boly and the ’keeper.
Random TV irritations
Comedy coward Adam Hills yet again dodging Labour’s anti-semitism crisis in favour of an easy dig at Theresa May’s pool cue technique on The Last Leg.
The One Show sacrificing its sense of fun for a stifling obsession with identity politics.
The nightmarish vision of Syd Little and Wayne Sleep being engulfed by Vietnamese nudists on The Real Marigold On Tour.
Mid-Atlantic This Morning guest Ricky Whittle referring to his face as “the money maker”.
And MasterChef going to all the trouble of describing one female contestant as “a writer who lives in Norwich with her five cats and seven horses” when “nutter” would do.