WHEN I left Britain two months ago, everything seemed to be all right.
But I’ve come home to find that we don’t have a functioning government, we haven’t left Europe and there’s talk of that dangerous little rodent, Corbyn, becoming Prime Minister.
Police Police need to use stop and search more and step up the battle against knife crime, says Jeremy Clarkson
But even more worryingly, everyone has started filling their days by randomly stabbing passers-by in the street.
We’ve seen plenty of gang violence over the years. A kid gets stabbed while selling crack on the wrong street corner.
We are told by tearful relatives that he was a lovely lad who wanted to be a doctor and that he used to buy his mother flowers.
And we yawn and go to work.
But in the past two months, everyone has started windmilling down the pavement with a Stanley knife in each mitt.
People are stabbing complete strangers and not just in sink estates.’COURTS MUST COME DOWN LIKE A TON OF BRICKS’
My daughter, who lives in Fulham, has seen two knife attacks in just a few weeks.
It scares the living crap out of me, if I’m honest — and I’m not surprised to hear that the police want new powers to let them stop and search people in the street.
But what’s the point of giving the police these powers when they’re not actually in the street. Ever.
I see a big police presence when I go to a football match but apart from that, I simply never see a policeman or a policemanwoman. Ever.
Worse, we know that if we go to a police station to say that our house has been burgled or that our car has been stolen, they will openly admit that they will do nothing about it.
And I’m sorry, but if you know for sure that you can commit a crime without being caught in the act, or afterwards — well, you’re going to commit the crime, aren’t you?
And that’s where we are at in Britain these days.
GET ANGRY, PLOD
People have started to realise they can do pretty much what they want… and they won’t be caught unless, of course, they park on a double yellow line or break the speed limit.
That has to stop. Plod has to get angry and get out there armed with strong and robust Government backing.
And magistrates and judges have to come down like a ton of bricks on offenders.
Starting with the bleeding-heart liberals who think knife crime can be solved with a community centre and a nice game of table tennis.
Peter Jordan – The Sun Police at the scene of a murder in Forest Gate, London
Sadiq Khan blames parents for letting kids carry knives in latest bid to dodge responsibility for crime crisis
Getting biggerAGE, a job that involves a lot of sitting down and a love of wine, means that in the past few years I’ve got a bit portly.But two months in Vietnam has changed all that.
I’ve lost a whopping 2st, which means I’m no longer obese.
I’m just a “fat bastard”.
And how did I manage that? Simple. I ate three meals a day and drank beer whenever I was thirsty.
There were two differences though. I used a bicycle to get around and the food I ate was Vietnamese.
Which is a) the nicest food in the world and b) completely non-fattening.
There is, however, a problem.
The only clothes that fit me now are those I was wearing ten years ago.
Which means I’m even more of a fashion disaster than normal.
Dress to impress
The Mega Agency
Annabelle Wallis spent a five-figure fee on her dressACTRESS Annabelle Wallis turned up this week at a party in a dress said to cost £11,000!!!
£11,000. For a dress.
That everyone in the world wishes wasn’t there.
Time to speed up
Alamy It was at Britain’s airports where we slowed down
IN the past two months, I took 13 flights around Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos and Singapore.
Every single one left on time and arrived ahead of schedule.
And then, when I came home, I spent 30 minutes flying in circles over Essex due to heavy air traffic, then 20 minutes waiting for a gate where the plane could park.
Jeremy Clarkson goes on epic rant about ‘fat b*****ds on carts’ and security at airports during The Grand Tour
In reverseI’VE been saying for years that driverless cars will never happen and now Ford is starting to agree.
Having announced that it would have thousands of fully autonomous taxis on the road by 2016, it is now saying that actually they will only be slightly driverless – and that the first one won’t come along until 2021.
Britain will go to pot
PA:Press Association Voters who want Jeremy Corbyn should be very careful
LET me tell you a story…
Once upon a time, there was a country in great turmoil.
The leaders were all at one another’s throats.
Nothing was being done properly. Nothing was being achieved.
And then along came a little old man who’d been born to fairly wealthy parents.
But on various trips to eastern Europe, in the Soviet days, he’d begun to flirt with communism.
He reckoned he had political potential, so he went home and joined the Labour Party.
Eventually, others also saw he had political potential and he was elected leader.
And immediately, he turned the Labour Party into a fully-fledged Marxist operation.
Getty – Contributor Corbyn shares ideals with dictator Pol Pot
He kept this, however, from voters – saying instead that he would work for the many and not the few.
He said he would nationalise everything and cripple the bankers, and people liked these ideas.
They saw his political potential as well and soon he became leader of the whole country.
People even called him “political potential”.
Although most shortened it so that it was easier to say . . .
And within a few short years, Pol Pot had murdered a quarter of Cambodia’s entire population and damn near starved the rest to death.
Still want Corbyn?
Unwell? I’ll miss Saigon
Getty – Contributor Jeremy was rushed to hospital in Vietnam
IF we fall ill while abroad, we always assume that instead of medicine and latex gloves, the doctors there will use potions and chanting. And saws.
So I was a bit nervous last week, in Vietnam, when I somehow managed to grow a small abscess.
However, the hotel receptionist called a number and I was put through to someone who, in perfect English, asked me some set questions designed to see if it was an emergency.
I assured her that it was not, but she heard the words “pain”, “abdomen” and “left side”, and before I’d finished protesting an ambulance arrived.
I tried to explain that I really didn’t need an ambulance, but I was bundled inside and with the sirens blaring I was carted off to A&E.
Thirty seconds after arriving, I was seen by a doctor and three minutes after that, I was on the operating table.
They did an excellent job, gave me some antibiotics and produced a bill for £500.
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That’s a lot, of course. But it’s a tiny fraction of the amount I give the NHS every year.
And it’ll be covered by insurance anyway.
I know we are not allowed to say the NHS is a big impossible monster.
I know it’s what defines Britain and that to criticise it is like goosing the Queen.
But next time I need a doctor, I’m hoping I’ll be in Saigon.
A grand farewell
THE last Grand Tour in this series was launched on Amazon Prime yesterday and, though I say so myself, it’s worth a watch.
But be sure to have a box of hankies handy.
The Grand Tour season three finale sees Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May finally all like the same car