WHILE driving into London last week, a friend of mine got into a bit of argy bargy with the driver of another car.
Fingers were raised. Obscenities were mouthed. And then to settle matters, the other guy pulled as far to the left as possible, and drove at full speed into the side of the car my mate was driving.
7 Criminals must be treated in exactly the same way as ordinary members of the public who stray over the speed limit for a moment or twoCredit: Getty – Contributor
He then roared off.
Naturally my mate called the police, who agreed that a serious offence had been committed.
But they said they couldn’t look at the CCTV footage from that stretch of road as they didn’t have the manpower. As a solution, they said he should go to the area and see if any shops or businesses had security camera footage that showed the crash taking place.
Right. So let’s assume he does that. And he gets the registration plate of the car that hit him.
And finds the culprit. And marches him into the plod shop. Then what?
Let me give you some figures.
Each year, 112,000 offenders are given a warning about their behaviour. And then sent back on to the street.
And we are not talking about minor crimes here. Figures show that in the last four years, 2,500 sex offenders, including 27 rapists, were let off simply because they said sorry.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. So-called “community resolutions” were used in 5,000 cases of possessing offensive weapons, including knives and guns, and 156,000 cases of violence including 1,720 cases involving cruelty to children.
All of which makes me wonder. Why don’t I rob my local newsagent?
‘LOSE MY JOB AND HOUSE’
Or stab someone just to see what it feels like. Because what’s the worst that can happen?
The victim has to check the local CCTV cameras and if I’m caught, I say sorry, get a nice cup of tea at the station and I’m on my way home with no criminal record.
As I write, there’s a very lovely Mercedes SL parked in the street outside my flat. If I stole it, I’d never be caught, unless of course, I drove away at 65mph. They’d have me then, in ten seconds flat.
And it wouldn’t matter how much remorse I showed, they’d haul me off to court, hit me with a four-figure fine, order me to pay a “victim surcharge” and then ban me from the roads for maybe a year.
So I’d lose my job and my house, and I’d end up on the street, mumbling into a can of Stella.
This is something that our new Prime Minister must address even before he gets round to the Brexit issue.
Police numbers must be upped. And courts must be told, sternly and firmly, that criminals must be treated in exactly the same way as ordinary members of the public who stray over the speed limit for a moment or two.
7 Each year 112,000 offenders are given a warning about their behaviour and let off simply because they said sorryCredit: Getty – Contributor
I’m Dan with lame Bond
EVERYONE seems to have decided that the new Bond film will be a disaster.
We’ve been told that the original director walked, that they blew up the studios, that Daniel Craig broke his ankle and now, that the new director held up filming because he was playing video games.
7 Everyone seems to have decided that the new Bond film will be a disasterCredit: Alamy
I’m glad. I hope the whole thing is a train wreck.
Because then we can get a proper Bond back, a man who isn’t troubled by guilt, or driven by loss.
A man who nicks a cheeky grape when making a speedy exit from his lover’s bedroom, who knows the Latin name for all fish, the vintage of the wine on which a sherry is based, and can drive a space shuttle while chatting up a girl called Goodhead.
7 We need a proper Bond back, a man who isn’t troubled by guilt, or driven by lossCredit: Alamy
Show a bit of spunkIT has emerged that ambulance drivers took three hours to reach people who had been wounded in the Borough Market terrorist attacks.
I’m not surprised. Everyone is always taught these days that their safety is the most important thing and that they must never put themselves in harm’s way.
Until that attitude changes, and people are encouraged to show a bit of spunk, nothing will ever get better.
Bad sign, badgers
HEDGEHOGS have become the first new animal in 25 years to get their own roadside warning signs.
Wildlife enthusiasts say the signs are necessary because 100,000 hedgehogs die on the roads every year.
7 Hedgehogs have become the first new animal in 25 years to get their own roadside warning signsCredit: Alamy
Really? How do they know?
What I know, is this: If you are driving along a country road, you should only ever make a violent swerve to miss something if it’s a person. Or maybe a cow.
Swerving to miss a hedgehog. That’s dangerous and idiotic. Because it’s only going to be eaten by a badger ten minutes later.
Jez doesn’t believe it
EVEN after he’d seen photographs which showed Iranian forces messing around near those tankers that blew up in the Gulf last week, Jeremy Corbyn said he didn’t believe it.
What he does believe, however, is that socialist policies in Venezuela have worked, that farmers should have their land confiscated, that you shouldn’t be allowed to leave your children anything in your will, that America is all bad and that the world is flat.
A snail glue
IN order to climb a wall, a snail is able to produce a mucus that’s sticky enough to stop it falling off, but not so sticky that it can’t move at all.
Then, when it wants a rest, the mucus hardens so it’s held firmly in place.
7 Scientists have developed a glue that works in the same way as snails’ mucusCredit: Corbis – Getty
And here’s the clever bit. When it wants to get going again, it produces more mucus which softens the original seal.
For years, scientists have tried to develop a glue that works the same way.
A glue that’s hard when it’s dry but can be made less sticky by simply adding water.
And now they’ve managed it! I’m sure they’re very pleased but unless you want to climb a skyscraper, I can’t actually think of a single application where it would be useful.
I mean, you could use it to mend a broken mug, but every time you fill it with tea, it will disintegrate again.Ready to be Home Alone
WHEN burglars broke into a house in North Carolina, they found an 11-year-old kid home alone. So, they put him in a wardrobe and started to ransack the place.
Sadly, for them, the kid had obviously watched Home Alone so he escaped from the wardrobe, grabbed a machete and attacked one of the burglars.
7 The kid had obviously watched Home Alone so he escaped and attacked one of the burglars with a macheteCredit: Kobal Collection – Shutterstock
Who kicked him in the stomach. He hit him again and was rewarded with a kick to the head.
But then the burglar realised he was bleeding and, with his accomplices, promptly fled.
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Using the blood evidence he left behind, police were able to make an arrest and now a man is awaiting trial.
In Britain of course, he’d have been given a bandage and sent home.
And the kid would be on trial for attempted murder.
Nelson the bald hedgehog is able to enjoy a massage as he has no spikes