Heartbreak is coming to Winterfell (Picture: HBO)Scream taught us all of the things you should avoid if you want to survive a horror movie.
You will not survive if you have sex, you will not survive if you drink or do drugs, and you will not survive if you say ‘I’ll be right back’.
But when it comes to Game Of Thrones, we reckon the survival rate drops at the sign of any happiness.
We know that HBO are good at killing off characters we never expected to die – hello, Ned Stark, season one – but after episode two of season eight, we suspect that some of our faves will meet a grisly end just because they’ve dared to have a snog or even smile.
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The Knight of the Seven Kingdoms saw our heroes and villains prepare for the Battle of Winterfell in various ways, whether that was revealing huge secrets or losing their virginity.
And the little glimpses of happiness have us convinced that those with a bit of joy in their heart will be cruelly stabbed, bludgeoned or set on fire.
Jon and Daenerys are pretty miserable due to finding out they’re related, Bran is just sitting there staring at everyone, Sansa is worried about the fate of the North, and Tyrion is sulking because he’s been ordered to stay in the crypt – so their misery could equal their survival.
So while we can’t predict who will die in the upcoming episodes… well, we’re going to do it anyway.
After years of hints at flirtation with Arya Stark, the tension stepped up several notches in season eight, with the pair exchanging loaded glances in episode one.
Arya and Gendry got together on the eve of the Winterfell war (Picture: HBO)But in episode two, their relationship was launched into warp speed after Arya (Maisie Williams) decided that before she died, she wanted to know what sex was like – and Gendry (Joe Dempsie) was the man for the job.
The pair spent their final night before the Battle of Winterfell in bed together, and we’re totally rooting for them… which means one of them is obviously going to kick the bucket. Our money is on Gendry, as Arya is too nifty with a weapon to be snuffed out.
And if Joe Dempsie’s death scene as Chris from Skins is anything to go by, this one will hurt.
Our new made-up rules – if you a) kiss someone or b) plan for your future, you dead. And Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) went and did both in his scenes with Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel).
Grey Worm planned a future, which means game over (Picture: HBO)After showing the everyday racism that occurs in Winterfell, Grey Worm asks Missandei if she really wants to grow old in the North, with her suggesting that they return to Naath after the war. Grey Worm promises that the Unsullied will protect the peaceful people of Naath, and the couple share a big old passionate kiss.
But that happiness and future-planning cannot exist in Game Of Thrones. Sorry Grey Worm, we don’t see this series ending well for you.
Brienne of Tarth
The moment we saw Brienne’s lovely smile after she was knighted by Ser Jamie, we knew we were in for heartbreak.
We can’t have anything nice, can we (Picture: HBO)Brienne has received Jaime Lannister’s approval and admiration, not only by his knighting of her, but by his pledge to serve under her in the war.
Out of all the Game Of Throne characters, Brienne possibly had the best last day – boozing with Tyrion, Jaime, Podrick, Davos and Tormund and being applauded as she became the first Lady to be knighted. It kills us to say it, but we don’t think Brienne will survive this war. Sob.
Oh, lovely Sam. He put a nail in his own coffin by handing over his sword Heartsbane to Jorah Mormont.
Sam may have royally screwed himself over (Picture: HBO)Unable to use it properly, Sam gifted Ser Jorah with the Valyrian steel sword that could possibly kill a White Walker, with Jorah promising to use the weapon in honour of Jeor Mormont, who was a father figure for Sam.
This could mean Sam, without Heartsbane, could meet his death. Or could Jorah die while attempting to honour his father?
Basically, we’re in for a lot of pain. And in the same weekend as Avengers: Endgame… we’re not able.
Game Of Thrones airs Sunday night on HBO and is simulcast on NOW TV and Sky Atlantic.
It also airs Monday night on Sky Atlantic at 9pm.
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