Heartbreaking suicide note of a transgender posted hours before killing himself

December 31, 2014 6:39 am
17 year old transgender teen Leelah
(Josh) Alcorn committed suicide on Sunday Dec. 28th by walking in front
of a tractor trailer on a highway in Ohio. A few hours later, her
suicide note, which she posted on her Tumblr page through scheduled
publishing, went up. In the heartbreaking suicide note, she blamed her
death on her religious parents who she said refused to acknowledge her
gender and forbade
her from transitioning into a girl. Read her suicide note below…
If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.

Please
don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would’ve lived isn’t
worth living in… because I’m transgender. I could go into detail
explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be
lengthy enough as it is. 

To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in
a boy’s body, and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew
there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to
become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continued to do
traditionally “boyish” things to try to fit in.
When
I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness.
After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I
immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling
me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God
doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this,
parents, please don’t tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian
or are against transgender people don’t ever say that to someone,
especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them
self. That’s exactly what it did to me.
My
mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to
christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got
the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more
christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should
look to God for help.
When
I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come around, and that I
would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning
treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the
harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to
look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday,
when I didn’t receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I
cried myself to sleep.
I
formed a sort of a “f*** you” attitude towards my parents and came out
as gay at school, thinking that maybe if I eased into coming out as
trans it would be less of a shock. Although the reaction from my friends
was positive, my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking
their image, and that I was an embarrassment to them. They wanted me to
be their perfect little straight christian boy, and that’s obviously not
what I wanted.
So
they took me out of public school, took away my laptop and phone, and
forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely isolating
me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was the
most depressed, and I’m surprised I didn’t kill myself. I was
completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my
parent’s disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.
At
the end of the school year, my parents finally came around and gave me
my phone and let me back on social media. I was excited, I finally had
my friends back. They were extremely excited to see me and talk to me,
but only at first. Eventually they realized they didn’t actually give a
s**t about me, and I felt even lonelier than I did before. The only
friends I thought I had only liked me because they saw me five times a
week.
After
a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight of having to think
about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up, go to
church each week and feel like s**t because everyone there is against
everything I live for, I have decided I’ve had enough. I’m never going
to transition successfully, even when I move out. I’m never going to be
happy with the way I look or sound. I’m never going to have enough
friends to satisfy me. I’m never going to have enough love to satisfy
me. I’m never going to find a man who loves me. I’m never going to be
happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he
were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself.
There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough already, I don’t
need my life to get any worse. People say “it gets better” but that
isn’t true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.
That’s
the gist of it, that’s why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if that’s
not a good enough reason for you, it’s good enough for me. As for my
will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and the
money (plus my money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights
movements and support groups, I don’t give a s**t which one. The only
way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated
the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and
human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier
the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be
counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this
year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s f***ed up”
and fix it. Fix society. Please.
Goodbye,
(Leelah) Josh Alcorn
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